How to Survive When the Internet Fails

Oh crap . Your cyberspace ’s just proceed out and does n’t seem like it will be coming back anytime before long . First off , do n’t panic . Or await , maybe you ’re reckon to panic ? I can never remember these things , lemme Google it very quick . OH CRAP , THE INTERNET IS OUT.Game over , valet de chambre ! Game over ! What the fuck are we gon na do now ? What are we gon na do ?

After a quick hyperventilation short sleep , meet yourself together , take a cryptical breath , and remember that human civilization did survive , for a foresightful while in fact , prior to the invention of the Internet . They were dark times to be sure — filled with primitive physical media , content that updated in day rather than second , factual human contact , and a shocking lack of free porn — yet human beings soldiered through . And so can you ! All you involve to do is familiarize yourself with the analog precursors to today ’s most democratic nomadic apps .

Need some information about the happenings in either your town or the full world ? Well , first thing tomorrow break of day you need to get yourself down to the nearest corner memory , magazine kiosk , or newsy and ask for the casual rag . Yes , you ’ll involve to pay for it — anywhere from 25 cents to more than three dollars for the weekend edition — so be sure to impart some variety . Also , be careful handling the paper as you peruse — those sharpness are sharp than a shattered iPhone screen .

Maybe you want to watch out some lighthearted yet wholesome fare to take you mind off the soul - crushing stress of not being capable to compulsively contain your timeline . But without the Internet ’s bounty of screaming nut shots , adorable animals , and saccharine Midwestern sweet * , how can you mayhap rest that furrowed eyebrow of yours ? AFHV . You live it , you sleep with it . It ’s the Hollywood Squares of drug user - generated content but somehow is still on overseas telegram . If you channel-surf the channels fast enough , there ’s a good hazard that it ’s on decently now . right on now !

that ’s a lie , there is no saccharine Midwestern sweetness on the Internet . It is a godless , barren barren of meme and misogyny with nary a speck of gaming news media ethics to be ascertain .

What , you ’re too good to follow multitude fall down while climb up on utilisation balls ? Well la - de - da Monsieur Fancypants , peradventure we would prefer a right performance , a “ feature film intro ” if you will . Oh but hold off there ’s no Internet which means that there ’s no teem service which means that you get to put your place and bloomers back on and walk your ass through the snow to the video store just like your grand - pappy used to . Difference is , he liked it that agency . Mostly because when he get to the store — only six miles uphill through wind storms of broken glass — there was an real retail outlet still open up for business enterprise , not a shuttered storefront bearing mum witness to a fail concern empire that was out - contend for market share by a disruptive new technology .

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on-line banking is , by some history , the single greatest convenience to come up out of this whole “ Internet Age ” kerfluffle and the most likely to be missed when the cyberspace run kaput or kablooey . If you want immediate payment , you ’ll need to go to your local coin bank ramification — it ’s just like your mobile banking app but in the real mankind — and get the attention of the nearest teller . The teller will get at your account information and process your transaction postulation — all while quietly judging you by the balance of your checking account . On the positive side , most vote counter window now arrive stocked with small candies of undetermined age and line of descent .

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Seriously , this should be a no - brainer . There ’s no Internet at your house , what the hell is keeping you there anyway ? Head to your close lachrymation hole . you may pick up a boozing , get local gossip and news show , maybe even line up a day of the month .

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playfulness fact : your phone and your camera used to be two solely dissimilar things . lurid , I know . Before the start of the digital age , the fastest and easiest way to capture and partake moments was with a Polaroid instant television camera . yield , they were n’t actually exigent and your filters lie of , well , none but at least these days you’re able to still chance one in a jot — just face for a guy wearing journeyer dark glasses , a plaid shirt , and large , wry moustache . He ’s sure to have one . Or six . They ’re all vintage , it ’s very telling .

Here ’s an easy one for anyone that ’s take difficulty readjusting to the offline world . Maps : they ’re just like the map on your sound except hard to read , do n’t tell you where you are , do n’t offer handy travel tips , directions to your terminus , or real - time dealings updates . And do n’t even get me get going on compass .

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The net . Is . Out . This is an emergency and you ’re worried about returning that antimicrobial dish rack to Amazon ? Are you kidding me ? ! Priorities , man , priorities .

Video shoot down the wireless sensation , my foot . When Youtube , Vimeo , Viddler , and the hundreds of thousands of other , less - screw but fashion creepier telecasting sharing website out there are down for the count , you could be indisputable that mundane radio set is more than likely to still be dynamic . It ’s where your parents used to get their fill of top 40 hit and button-down extremism back before cars had built - in Wi - Fi .

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